The Outrageous Nick Clegg Rumour Generator

Yes, after reading the various outbursts of journo hysteria in the MailExpressTelegraph recently, I realised that what the Internet needs right here, right now, is the Outrageous Nick Clegg Rumour Generator. I did something similar to this over a year ago, during the US presidential campaign (see under the Amazing Obama Rumour Generator) and this one follows a similar format. It requires only a paper, pen and a 6-sided dice: there are 3 stages at which you roll the dice, consult the tables below and insert the results into the template, namely –

The Outrageous Nick Clegg Rumour template

“Sir, I have it on good authority that Nick Clegg is really (insert 1st diceroll from table below) and that he plans to (insert 2nd diceroll). Clearly only a vote for (insert 3rd diceroll) can save the nation from calamity. Yours in outrage, Major Tarquin Bufton-Tufton (Mrs)”

Stage 1

Dice Rolls:

1 – the secret Marxist Antichrist

2 – a cuddly koala called Barry

3 – Phrodo, the Patron Saint of custard

4 – Professor Pat Pending

5 – the Phantom Rasberry Blower of Olde London Towne

6 – a spy working for the intelligence service of Iceland (see p94 for opening hours)

Stage 2

1 – make bobble hats mandatory

2 – give benefit handouts to trees

3 – rule over us in an empire of the badgers, bwah hah hah!

4 – invite Ozzy Osbourne and Lady Ga-Ga to Downing St for the Inaugural Rock Celeb Smackdown

5 – hand over power to his diabolical friends, the Teletubbies

6 – enslave us all with a clean environment, open government, and proportional representation, the traitor!

Stage 3

1 – Eddie the Eagle

2 – the Dark Lord Sauron

3 – Mary Poppins

4 – Dr Evil’s 2nd cousin

5 – the approved banking sector sock-puppet

6 – me, of course

There ya go – enjoy!

One Response

  1. Proportional representation might actually be in the Tories’ interest,I don’t understand why they don’t support it

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